Ink and Parchment
by ravenhaired
Summary: Moiraine writes a letter to Siuan after she hears she has been overthrown as Amyrlin...


Ink and Parchment  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the Wheel of Time. Also "I wish you could invent some means...' was originally written by John Keats, in a letter to Fanny Brawne.  
  
Summary: Moiraine writes to Siuan when she hears she has been overthrown as Amyrlin. Sappy, too.  
  
~  
  
Dear Siuan,  
  
I wish you could invent some means to make me happy without you. Every hour I am more and more concentrated in you; every thing else tastes like chaff in my mouth.  
  
That really is romantic clap-trap, isn't it? You never liked poetry and romance. In fact, it would probably disgust you that I've wasted paper writing an amorous letter to you. It is out of character for both of us – me, a Cairhienin, you, a Tairen. I have heard it remarked that we Cairhienins would not admit to touching our own husbands.  
  
It is odd how quickly one can become lonely. I have not thought of you in a long time – not since I last saw you in Shienar. That was quite a visit. The grandeur in your apartments did not suit you. Agelmar seemed to enjoy showing you the finest of the fine and yet you looked out of place. You – strong and dependable...the years have not altered you much, Siuan. You worried me for a time. I thought I had lost you to doubt...yet you still had fire in you, you still had your strength.  
  
It occurs to me that we are near Rhuidean. You would have liked to have seen Rhuidean. The only city in all of the Waste. You always spoke of how many adventures you where going to have, Siuan. You would never call them adventures, of course, because that sounded like a fanciful tale from a book. I know dreams from reality, you said. But you never had many adventures, did you? From the day we where raised from the Shawl, you where confined to Tar Valon. Did you envy my freedom, Siuan?  
  
Did you ever find anyone to take my place? You said you where lonely. The pedestal of command has its prices...what man sees the Amyrlin Seat as a woman and not an Aes Sedai, let alone their leader? Nay, what Aes Sedai would see you as a woman? I knew many of our sisters looked at you like I looked at you...but that changed when you had the stole upon your shoulders. I was the only one who still seen you as you once where – and always where, no matter how often you took on that stance of intimidation and directed that steely gaze at an apologetic Aes Sedai. You often said you loved me. Some people say that that kind of love is impossible between two women – or two men. I think they are fools. I love you too, Siuan.  
  
I still cannot believe they stilled you. A part of me is reeling with disbelief. I can't believe that Elaida would let you walk free. Are you scrubbing floors in Tar Valon? Or are you dead? I do not think you would be one to bend knee to Elaida and scrub. You would die before that. It would be so difficult for you to bow to anyone. You, who where once at the pinnacle, reduced to bowing and scrapping after others? You would die inside, I think.  
  
Elaida has ordered my arrest too. I cannot go back to Tar Valon. Not that I would want to. I do not think Elaida realises what she has done. She does not realise that under her, the foundations of the Tower are crumbling. She has struck the first blow of the hammer that will eventually have Tar Valon falling about her ears. Still I feel pity for her. Poor, disillusioned fool.  
  
This plan is not coming together as I had foreseen. My way is dark and fraught with brambles and unseen roots to trip me.  
  
I went to Rhuidean. The Wise Ones said I had to go. I did not enjoy my visit. It showed me three futures; one Lanfear kills Rand al'Thor at the docks in Cairhien, the second she carries him away and the next time I see him he calls himself Lews Therin Telamon and is her devoted lover. The third is the one I fear most. I will push her through a ter'angreal, on the docks. I have decided that this is the best course and the one I must choose. I will more than likely die – it is ironic that I have come back to the land of my birth to die. There is a small inkling of hope...but what good is hope? Hope and wishing do not affect reality.  
  
It also said that I will become so desperate I will consider taking him to my bed. That would be disastrous, it also said. I do not like that. I do not like that image of me – desperate enough to prostitute myself to him. If I give up everything I am for this cause, what will there be of me in the end? I am selfish. I think of myself when the world depends on the man I have taken it upon myself to guide. Yet...a small part of me thinks that it is alright to be selfish for a moment. I have given up more than he knows and he would drive me to this?  
  
I am scared. I must have him listen to me.  
  
I wish I was as brave as you, Siuan. I wish you where here with me. I am feeling the loneliness you must have felt everyday as Amyrlin. I don't think it is the same, though. My loneliness is the constant trek towards death. You're loneliness was the constant knowledge of isolation and the knowledge that no one looked at you with longing. That you where alone where you stood.  
  
You're loneliness is worse than mine. My loneliness will soon be over.  
  
I wish you where here with me. I need strength and my strength is lacking. I wish you where here to kiss my brow like you always did when I needed comfort and to tell me that it will be alright in the end. How the first oath ever let you say that is beyond me. I wish I could see you before I die.  
  
But, as I said, hope and wishing does not affect reality. Actions do. What I do is for the greater good, my love.  
  
May the light illumine you and keep you safe, as I cannot,  
  
Moiraine  
  
~ 


End file.
